Hey there! It’s been a while. How ya doin? I’ve missed you.

My husband encouraged me to sit down and write. Write about what is going on. For me, that felt like a difficult and an overwhelming task as I have lost the desire to write. You may be saying, “Wait, what?!? How is that possible? You love to write!” You’d be right! I do love to write. Let me explain…

Over the course of the last ~5 – 7 years, I have discovered that most medicines and I really don’t get along. Lab produced or homeopathic. I’ve had side effects such as, noise sensitivity and panic attacks; to nightmares and vivid dreams; to moodiness, irritability and depression; to unable to feel much emotion – I used to say I was a zombie. And I cannot stand feeling this way…

In October, 2019, I started Immunotherapy and the medicine I’m on is called Opdivo. This is a bio med, meaning (from my simple understanding) it is a medicine that mimics/is something your body already produces. It isn’t a foreign chemical that goes in to your body and destroys, but rather it is a boost for a certain part of your immune system to give your immune system the capability to fight and destroy the cancer. (If you are new to my blog, you can catch up on my cancer journey starting with my first post, An Adverse Diagnosis – or is it? )

Well, on the Opdivo, I am experiencing emotional side effects. I am struggling with depression, foggy brain, noise sensitivity, irritability, and just feeling like I have lost part of who I am. I’ve lost the desire to write. I’ve lost the desire to be around people and talk with them. I don’t want to be alone, but I want to be left alone. I’ve lost the desire to create with makeup. This is not like me! I love writing! I love chatting with people (most of the time 😉 ). I have people stop me a lot in stores and they just share their story and I love it. I love sitting, listening to a sermon or music, and creating looks with makeup. Those of you who know me, you know losing these parts of me are a big deal! Yes, I am experiencing physical side effects, such as body aches, fatigue, hot flashes and feeling cold, but I am able to manage those with little effort. But the emotional stuff…. whew, oh man. Let me tell you. I’m struggling.

Every day is a battle to get out of bed. Some days aren’t as hard as others, but it is a battle every. single. day. With some professionals, friends, and others I have spoken to about these feelings, it has been gently and kindly suggested, in more or less words, that the cancer diagnosis has caught up with me and that it’s perfectly normal to feel the way I am about it. You may be thinking this as well. While I understand how someone could think that, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it’s NOT the diagnosis and journey I am on that has me depressed. Rather, I am confident it is the effect of the meds within my body. I haven’t lost confidence in my God. I haven’t lost confidence in His plan. There is still purpose in this diagnosis. I’m not angry about having cancer. I still feel it’s a blessing and I’m grateful because I have seen God’s fingerprints all throughout this journey. No, it is not the diagnosis catching up with me. Of that, I have no doubt.

I woke up this morning with a song on my mind. I decided to turn on music and start with the song that was on my mind. It’s no coincidence, as my heart aches in the darkness of depression, listening to music, song after song this morning proclaims the name of Jesus. Literally one after another spoke to my heart and found me in the darkness. The words penetrated my heart with light saying, “Jesus, Jesus, you make the darkness tremble. Jesus, Jesus, you silence fear… Your name is light that the shadows can’t deny, your name cannot be overcome, Your name is alive for ever lifted high, your name cannot be overcome.” “Sorrows will come and go, even still I know it is well, it is well with my soul” “I have this Hope in the depth of my soul, in the flood or the fire You’re with me and You won’t let go.””Lift up your eyes and see Heaven is closer than you know, Lift up your voice and sing know that My love won’t let you go.”

I’ve lost sight of Him. My compass is spinning, my oars are lost at sea. I couldn’t see through the darkness, my heart is pounding. I feel lost and desperate. I ache, unable to control the storm raging out of control within me and spilling out affecting the lives of the ones I love. And then, the name of Jesus penetrates the darkness. His light shines bright, guiding me to the shore. Helping me to find my way. His name calms the storm and brings a sense of being found. And He whispers that He never let me go. He knows the ache of my heart. He knows the battle raging within my mind and body. His light shines, enabling me to see He is there.

I am not saying I am cured of this depression/mood swings because I listened to a few songs. I will have to make continual efforts to manage this medicinally induced moodiness and get the help needed to manage it (which I am). But I was reminded through the music that the name of Jesus is overwhelmingly powerful. His name is a beacon of light guiding me to the shore. His name penetrates the darkness, calms the storm within me, and encourages me. Jesus has to remain my anchor and my lighthouse. He’s my first step to fighting this battle. I can try anything and everything in my own strength, like exercise, rest, distractions, counseling, but without Jesus, I am still lost in the darkness. Fighting and losing strength. I’m limited, He’s unlimited. The storm can overtake me, but it can’t overtake Jesus. I know He hasn’t let go of me, but my perspective can shift if I lose sight of Him. When I take my eyes off of Him, I sink.

Thank You, Jesus, for Your beacon of light this morning. Reminding me that with You, the storm cannot win. With You, this battle can be fought and won. With You, there’s direction. Forgive me for losing sight of You. Thank You that You never lose sight of me. How amazing You are. How amazing You love me with all my times of turning from You and losing sight of You. I have been trying to fight the darkness and storm within me in my own strength. Jesus, I can’t do it without You. I am losing. I need you. Hold me. Lift these weary hands. Please continue to remind me. Jesus, may my need for You and desire for You be evident to my children. Jesus, may they understand I am human. I fail them, but You don’t. Please, may they see through this journey that You are the Healer, the Protector, the Forgiver, the Perfect Parent. May they come to know You deeply and intimately. Please take hold of their hearts and don’t ever let them go. Come and breath new life in to our nostrils. May Your Spirit move afresh in this home. Create in us a clean heart and renew a right Spirit within us.