“You have invasive melanoma.” These are the words I heard on Monday, July 29th, 2019.

It was Tuesday, July 23rd that I went to the dermatologist for an exam of a spot I thought looked wonky. I figured a biopsy would be in order and because I had my three little ones with me, I decided to be proactive and go to Chick-Fil-A for lunch. Yep, a total bribe to get them in the right mood and to keep them distracted for this office visit. 🙂 We got to the office and most of their meals had been consumed before we got back to the exam room. So, I will admit, for this visit, I used a tv show to get their attention. The three of them were sharing two chairs and Pete, my oldest, was holding my phone so everyone could see the show.

As far as I can recall, my wonky spot was not a preexisting mole that turned but rather a spot that had come about on its own. After trying to look at pictures to determine how long I have had this spot, I estimate I have had it roughly a year and a half to two years. I originally thought it came about during one of my pregnancies as a couple other moles/spots have. But I think that may be incorrect. However, I am not 100% of the exact onset of this spot. Anyway, I had noticed the spot changing and it began to be a raised bump instead of flush to the skin. It also started to feel a little tender and where it was raised it started turning black. I attributed the tenderness to the fact that the spot was right where my sandal strap hit on my foot and rubbed against that area. But either way, I decided it looked odd and I wanted to get it checked out. So I did. Side note – if you are concerned about a spot and/or you have a history of skin cancer, specifically melanoma, in your family, I encourage you to just get checked out.

So, I am sitting on the exam table waiting for the Dr to come in, listening to my kids watch WallyKazam. My Dr comes in, asks me a few questions about the spot. He gets a special magnifying glass with a light and examines the spot further. After close examination, he looked at me and gently told me he thought it may be melanoma and would like to biopsy it. To which I responded with a pretty unconcerned, “ok”. My Dr biopsied the spot, kindly using his body as a shield so my children wouldn’t look up from the screen and see anything, and then began to gently reiterate he felt strongly it was melanoma and with concern in his eyes, asked if I had any questions. I again said a very matter of fact “ok” and “no, I do not have any questions”. It was funny looking back and telling the story to my husband, we joked that my Dr either thought I was an idiot and thought I had no clue what he was talking about, or maybe he was waiting for the light bulb to go off that he meant cancer and the light bulb never illuminated for me. But the emotion I am guessing he was expecting never came from me – to which he seemed surprised and my husband and I cracked up about. You had to be there I guess.

Diagnosis day… so, I receive the call that it is in fact melanoma and the pathology report shows some concerning markers which indicate I need further prognosis and treatment from an oncologist. I communicated the results of the report to some family and friends and immediately they took action on my behalf. Within 48 hours I got a call from the elite melanoma team at Hopkins to schedule an appointment. And on August 6th, I had my consultation with the melanoma surgeon.

I am going to take a side rabbit here – this is {one reason} why fellowship is so important. Not only are our relationships — I am talking our inner circle, the people you can rely on to give you hard truth in love, perspective, Biblical wisdom, prayer — important for us emotionally and spiritually, but when we are in need, when we don’t have direction, that’s when we can lean on these relationships to pick us up, shine a light, and help us put one foot in front of the other. And then we need to ensure we are there when our friend’s time of need hits to shine a light for them, speak the truth in love, and help them put one foot in front of the other. Iron sharpens iron my friend.

So my husband and I met with the surgeon and she explained what to expect for surgery. She expressed I would have a lot of tissue removed from my foot in the hope that they can remove all of the cancerous cells. She expressed I would need a skin graft because there isn’t enough skin to pull back together to cover the area they will be removing. She also said they want to biopsy 1 – 3 lymph nodes to see if the cancer has spread. And the way that’ll happen is they will inject a tracker at the location of my cancer, the tracker will go through my body and land at the nearest lymph node. Whichever lymph node it lands at will be the one biopsied and possibly a couple more around it. We will receive the results of the lymph node biopsy about a week after surgery. My surgery is scheduled for the end of the month, so hopefully the first week in Sept we will know if further treatment will be needed or not.

So that’s where we’re at… But I am not writing this post to give all these details, rather, I am writing because there’s emotion to be addressed. When you are told you have cancer, it’s impactful. I like to write my emotions. I like to write my experiences. It’s therapeutic for me, but more than that, I pray it’s beneficial for someone else who may be going through something similar.

So, how do I feel?

I feel angry that I have to have another surgery – 7 surgeries in 7 years. I feel a bit overwhelmed with the unknowns. I feel that I don’t have control. I feel that I don’t know the plan. I feel sad and angry that my husband and children have to deal with another recovery, another period of time that mommy is incapacitated. I am grieved and troubled.

BUT

That’s only part of my feelings. I also have the Holy Spirit in me, and I feel comforted. I feel at peace with the diagnosis of cancer. I feel like I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God is in my corner, and whatever He allows through His fingertips, I can trust His goodness and plan. I believe and trust that through the hard times, God develops our character and shapes us to look more like Christ if we let Him. I believe it is an honor to go through scary moments so that I can see the glorious work of God in my life and then hopefully have an opportunity to share it with others. I pray I am a witness to my children that when “adverse” diagnosis, or hard circumstances happen, I grieve, I experience the emotion, but they see me rely on the love, strength, and grace of God to get through it and expect His goodness and glory to shine. I pray I am a witness to the Doctors and Nurses I come in contact with, expressing fear, but also expressing utter determination to trust in My God who sees me and is working for the eternal good of everyone involved.

It ties right back in to my post “Fear of the Unknown“… into my favorite passage of the Bible. John chapter 11. (I wrote this post before the news/diagnosis – pretty cool how God works, am I right!!) I don’t think God calls us to hide our emotion, to put on a happy face, to pretend. But I think He does want us to expect His glory to shine and to know that we can count on Him, we can cry out to Him, we can trust Him. So I am willing to say, I’m scared, I’m angry about another surgery… But more than that, I want to trust God and I am anxious to see His glory shine through this diagnosis.

So, is this an adverse diagnosis? No. Not to me. Because I know the cancer slayer. He’s my Abba Father. And if I believe, I will see the glory of God. I have a new understanding of Philippians 1:21, “for to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” If God chooses to heal me, I get to live and proclaim Christ. If God chooses to take me home, I get to hug my Jesus and kiss my loving Father. Adverse, no. Perspective, character changing, most definitely. I believe God loves Kevin and my children more than I do and He has their eternal good in mind.

What storm(s) are you dealing with? What are your emotions? Name them and then take them to God. He can calm the storm(s) of your heart. You may have to take them daily, or even hourly to God for some time, but keep taking them to Him. His goodness and love will shine through those dark clouds.

Don’t give up my friend. You are loved and you are chosen.