It has spread. The cancer in my foot has found it’s way to my lymph nodes…
I feel like I have to have an inspiring post. I want to be inspiring as people have suggested I am. But the reality is, I’m not. It’s not me…those are God sized shoes I can’t fill. I’m putting pressure on myself to have the answers people want to know… that I want to know. But the reality is, I don’t have the answers.
I don’t know how bad it truly is or isn’t. I don’t know if all the cancer has been surgically removed or if some remains in my lymphatic system. I don’t know if treatment will work to kill what cancer cells may still remain in my body. I don’t know if treatment will diminish the possibility of my cancer returning. I don’t know how long I have. And the question we all ask when there’s crisis, Why? I don’t have the answer to that one either.
What I do know… I know my God is good and He has given me family and friends in my life for support and to pick me up when I fall. I know God is good and He has placed prayer warriors in my life who are fighting on my behalf. I know God is good and He has placed an elite team of cancer fighting doctors, nurse practitioners, nurses, and staff at John’s Hopkins in my life. I know God is good and He has and is strengthening me for this battle. I know God is good and He’s working visibly and invisibly in every decision, every treatment, every scan, every detail. I know my God is good and it’s His strength, His courage, His Spirit, His peace that you see. It’s not me. I’m a coward. I want comfort. But I’m realizing there is an abundance of blessings stored in the struggle.
This past month and a half I’ve had to drive in to the city of Baltimore for Dr appointments and surgery. Each time, I saw people hurting, I saw different skin colors, I saw people sleeping on grass. My heart breaks more and more every time I drive in to the city. This last time I went in to the city for my post-op appointment, I wept and prayed. I felt like my heart shattered. My heart broke because of racism and all the divisiveness and brokenness it leaves behind, my heart broke for people and babies who are dehumanized, it broke for people who’s lives have been filled with conflict and tragedy, and most of all, it broke because I was faced with the question, “What am I doing about it?” What am I, a person who claims Jesus as her King, doing about it? This is a question I know the answer to… Not enough. What are we, as a church, doing about it? Not enough.
I cried out and prayed in that moment of breakdown asking to see a Revelation 7:9-10 church – a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages at the throne of God, praising God. I want to see this kingdom vision expressed on earth. I keep having the thought that the body of Christ is made up of many different parts (Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12). What if the church, the body of Christ, can’t fully function without this kingdom vision exemplified on earth? I ache for the church, the people who call themselves followers of Jesus, myself included, to have a revival. To come alive, get out of our comfort zones and start a movement of change. One that unites and is united in diversity. One that loves and accepts all people, but doesn’t endorse anti-Biblical worldview and values. (Thank you John Cooper for the differentiation of accept/endorse!)
I feel God allowed me to get cancer to break my heart for people. Or at least that’s one of the reasons. And I am so thankful for this blessing. My heart aches from the urgency and concern I feel for other’s eternal well being as well as their physical well being. It has stirred in me a desire to pay attention. To see people. To speak kinder to people. To say hello and smile at everyone I walk past. To be a student of people. To engage in conversation. To listen.
I’m not afraid of my prognosis because I’m afraid to die. I am confident in my eternal status and destination. I’m afraid of my prognosis because there are so many people who don’t know Jesus. They don’t know the forgiveness He freely offers. They don’t know the restoration and healing He so intensely desires for their lives. I pray that God will sustain me long enough to live better and bolder for His kingdom. I pray He gives me a way to begin or share in this movement my heart aches for. I pray the church has a revival and ignites with great passion for people.
In my diagnosis, there’s purpose. In your diagnosis, struggle, circumstances, there’s purpose.
Stay strong my friend. You are loved and you are chosen.
Precious Rubies 
Huge heart and insights. Thanks for sharing this journey with us. Even more huge of the God we know and serve to orchestrate our lives for His kingdom glory.
Praying together with you and family for all the above.
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Thank you, PD. Amen! God is so good!
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Sarah…First, I want to say I am sorry to hear about your current health and all the uncertainty, challenges, discomfort, questions, unknowingness, and, all the while trying to navigate daily life. Notice, I did not use the “C” word, as I said “your current health.” It is crazy, but, in reading your blog, I felt using the name of your diagnosis would give it too much power. I am very clear that the power we need everyday, and, in this moment, is God! Boom! Sarah, your mindset blows me away and it is a testimony. Please let me know if you would like to meet up when you come to Baltimore for one of your appointments, as we (Darren and I) live in Downtown Baltimore. I am sending you and your family tons of love, hugs and prayers.
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Thank you, Hope! It took me a while to say the C word, too. But I feel now that the C word is under the foot of Jesus and it has lost it’s power in the presence of my God! 🙌 What a mighty God we serve! I appreciate you guys so much! We’ll definitely have to grab some coffee! I’d love that! Once I get my location and schedule, I’ll let you know!! ❤️
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Hey Sarah.. I am sorry you are going thru all this.. If I can be of any help, please, please do not hesitate to call me.. (Dad and Cherry have my number, or I can private message it to you) John and I are going thru the same thing… He was diagnosed on July 5, 2019 with stage 4 melanoma.. His spread to his lungs, liver and pancreas… We have had three of his four immunotherapy treatments so far and his fourth and final treatment for the combined drugs of Opdivo and Yervoy is scheduled for Sept. 19th.. after that we go for scan to see how the treatment worked on all his tumors. The two tumors we could clearly see have gone away.. well one is totally gone and the other larger one (7cm) has shrunk by 90%, Thank you God.. Then we are down to once a month infusion of just the opdivo for up to two years… I am happy to tell you that he has had MINIMAL side effects.. the side effects he has had are very manageable.. I can help with you with any side effects also.. I have done TONS AND TONS of research and read so much on this and I must say I am feeling so much better now about our future.. believe me I was so so so so scared when we first heard he had stage 4 melanoma.. I could not eat, think, or function for the first few weeks, however now I am so CONFIDENT that this is just a bump in our road of life and that our wonderful life together is going to continue for many years to come.. Treatments for Melanoma have come so far over the past few years with more and more coming.. PLEASE call me anytime and I will be happy to share with you everything that we have been thru so far, the positive stories I have read and any help with the minor side effects of immunotherapy.. Whatever you do DO NOT just google advanced melanoma.. it will scare the you know what out of you… if you google anything google “positive melanoma stories”.. it helps me when my anxiety starts to kick in and I read the stories of people who had it spread much further then John’s and are now 10 years NED (no evidence of disease).. Stay strong and positive and again please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.. Hugs to you and your beautiful family..
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Hi Laura! Thank you so much for sharing your story and encouragement! I will reach out to you and get your contact info! I’d love to chat through it all. Thank you so very much!
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Stay strong… you will have lots of people praying for you and a great victory story to tell. My only advice is to give up sugar and anything that turns to sugar . (Rice, pasta, potatoes) as cancer feeds on sugar. I will be praying for you.
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Thank you for your prayers and advice! I appreciate it!!
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Sarah, a woman who has a smile that lights up a room. A woman who claims the name of Jesus as her loving, Lord and savior. A woman whose children I have been blessed to spend time and know and who I will continue to spend time with this year. A woman who was created for a purpose and with intent by our good, good father.
You were chosen to be place in your mother’s womb and you were chosen to go through this dip, this season that will be painful and challenging but how great is it that you are not alone. You are cared for and loved by Christ. As followers of Christ we are called to be disciples, messengers of the Good News so that we can bring others closer to him so they to may experience the kingdom of God and his unfailing love. This is your time to shine. Child of God, shine your little light because God has planned such a time as this for your faith to be reaffirmed more than ever. You are a beacon of hope and light for so many to see. You are a living testimony that even in times like this GOD IS SO GOOD. It’s not a cliche but it’s truth! God wants to use you to advance his kingdom and make lead others to believe and know what you do. Pray for them, seek them out, track them down if that’s what he calls you to do because you have a purpose and your purpose is reach the lost; the sick, the saddened; the left behind; the overwhelmed; the lonely; .
I will stand with you in the name of Christ our savior and together with so many others who love you. We are prayer warriors to a God that hears our prayers, knows our heart and loves us more than we can ever imagine.
It’s a blessing to know you and pray along side of you.
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