As I was talking with a friend who was asking how I am doing with everything going on, the image of Jacob wrestling with God all night and then clinging to Him in desperation and refusing to let go until a blessing is given came to mind (Genesis 32:22-32).

Someone who I was acquainted with, but held a very near and dear place in my heart, passed away a month ago from stage 4 colorectal cancer. Nikki Healy was the wife of Pastor Steve Healy and their lives have impacted so many. Their journey, their struggles, their faith has been relatable to and such an example for so many.

Nikki’s story resonated so deeply within me because it felt so similar to my own. When we first started attending Lighthouse Church in Glen Burnie, MD her cancer story had just began, as had mine. While so much of our story is unique to us, so much of our story is also similar. She was young and stage 3, as was I. She was facing the uncertainties and devastations of the diagnosis, as was I. She was married and had children, she had doctor appointment after doctor appointment, surgery after surgery, hope and devastation entangled with each other through every step of the journey – so much of what I was going through, too. Above all, we both want to desperately trust and honor God and share how we see God’s fingerprints all throughout our suffering. I was instantly drawn and connected to the Healy’s and love them deeply in a way I cannot express. We were battle buddies.

Nikki passed away on June 14th, 2022. This terrible disease took her life. Devastation, an ache that cannot be articulated, anger, upset, desperation, tears, so many tears and weeping… With her death, I was in a place to better understand and insert my own feelings when Mary had fallen on her face at Jesus’ feet and weeping said, Where were You! We asked You to come! We asked You to move! We asked You to heal!

“When Mary came to where Jesus was and saw Him, she fell at His feet and told Him, ‘Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died!'”

John 11:32

I see now how Jesus responds to Mary and how I think He responds to us. He is angry and deeply moved in His spirit and He weeps, too.

“When Jesus saw her crying, and the Jews who had come with her crying, He was angry in His spirit and deeply moved. ‘Where have you put him?’ He asked. ‘Lord,’ they told Him, ‘come and see.’ Jesus wept.”

John 11:33-35

Sure, we have the response of, “but He could have done something!” And I believe 100% He could have healed Nikki here, on earth, because we know she is fully healed and restored in Heaven. But His answer to our prayers of healing on earth was, “No”. Nikki’s death is somehow for the glory of God. Somehow for His name sake. Somehow in His goodness and love. In His sovereignty and will.

I am grasping God’s ankles begging for some sort of understanding. I know I can’t comprehend His thoughts and ways, my brain is too feeble. But in His graciousness and love, He does tenderly give us some things we can understand. He doesn’t owe us any explanation. Yet He graciously holds us as we cry and He cries with us. It’s an amazing mystery that I read about in the lives of people in the Bible and have even experienced in my own life that I cannot adequately explain. The love of this Mighty, Majestic God who is so big and beyond comprehension yet has a love for us so intimate and personal. (There isn’t a mind-blown emoji for WordPress, but let’s imagine that inserted here!! lol)

Not only do I grasp God’s ankles for Nikki and her family, but selfishly I also grasp for my family and me. Will my story end the way Nikki’s did? If my story doesn’t end the way hers did, how is that fair!? I can’t possibly put into words the wrestling in my heart and feel confident that I adequately explained it to you. It is a work of God in my heart that I am wrestling through with Him and know, for His glory and His namesake, there will be a blessing at the end of the wrestling. I will know God in a deeper, more intimate way because of the wrestling and that is the greatest blessing I could ever be graciously given.

Wrestle with God. Take your anger, your questions, your heartache to Him and don’t let go of Him. He allows us to wrestle. When we wrestle with Him and seek Him, He moves in our lives. It may be a long time of wrestling and we will be worn, tattered, and look like a hot mess at the end of it. We may even come out of the wrestling with a limp. But He also blesses us if we don’t let go. He comes closer and His presence lifts us up in an indescribable way. He is worthy of our praise. His heart is trustworthy. He is good.

Keep seeking His face.

You are loved and you are chosen my friend. ❤