What a journey this has been…. I was 2 years No Evidence of Disease (NED) and then December 29th, 2021, I got the news that my journey with cancer isn’t over. Cancer had come back. We found the tumor in my lymph nodes. Just as I had gotten up off the mat after a massive beat down in the ring, I got a right hook. Just picture Rocky Balboa and that’s about what I felt I looked like internally after the first round in the ring with cancer.

The last two years has been anything but smooth. Sure, my scans were clear, which was good news, but the battle was still raging – a battle I fought mostly alone as it wasn’t visible on the outside. The recovery journey from the immunotherapy treatments was honestly somewhat of a dark journey. Frustration, anger, sadness, emotional numbness, physical issues, hope regained because I had moments of feeling almost normal but it was just a cruel taunt. It took two years, lots of tears and prayer, tons of Dr appts, more tears and prayer, and fighting, tons of fighting, and not giving up, until God brought me to a Dr who helped me. It didn’t help that the pandemic happened in the midst of this, too. Being cut off from my church, family, and friends. Not seeing smiles, not feeling hugs, not doing the pandemic or this dark journey together but rather in isolation. “We’re in this together” kept being touted, but the reality is, so many people were so utterly alone, tragically some never made it out because of it ; and some are still scraping and clawing to get out of the pit this caused. People were shunned, cut off, outcasted, disgraced, screamed at, humiliated, segregated, children were slapped and shaken, and so so so much more. People were dehumanized in the name of “safety”. How despicable and shameful. But I digress and that’s not the rabbit trail I’ll go down…

On my road of post-immunotherapy, I was angry, bitter, upset with myself and with the Drs. I had tons of regret for deciding to do the immunotherapy treatments. I was upset at God crying out, “Why did You let me take the treatments if You knew it would do this to me? If You knew I would get so lost? Why? I feel so far away from You. I feel like the treatments stole so much from me. I don’t know who I will be from day to day. Why won’t You help me? I can’t live like this. Kevin and the kids deserve better than this. Please help………”.

There were times when I felt so lost, I have to be honest, I just begged Him to take me home. I wanted to go Home. But that wasn’t His plan. He held me, He let me pound my fists on His chest, He let me throw fits, He let me struggle. But, He never let me go. He nourished me and kept graciously giving me strength to take one baby step after another to move forward, and He gave me the endurance I needed for the giant leaps backward. He reminded me:

You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn
    through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
    each ache written in your book. – Psalm 56:8 MSG

And then He prepared me for round 2 in the ring.

He picked me up off that mat, sat me down in my corner, tended my wounds, gave me water, and prepped me to go back out. But this time is different. This time He reminded me to lean on His strength to get through this round, not my own. This time, He is showing me to embrace my weaknesses so His strength can prevail. Because my strength is fleeting. His is not. He reminded me of His goodness. He reminded me of His presence. He reminded me that this isn’t in vain. There is purpose in the pain and suffering. In the struggle.

I think this is an area where the big C church (global church) has severely neglected and even sometimes misled; exemplifying and showing how to suffer well. We, humanity, want comfort. We want healing. We want ease. Prosperity gospel isn’t just about money! Insert – comfort, happiness, a life void of difficulty, etc. – If you aren’t healed it’s because you “don’t have enough faith”… My response, “no, no… get behind me Satan!”

This side of Heaven, suffering is promised for followers of Christ. He doesn’t promise to wipe away our tears this side of Heaven. My goodness, look at how Jesus Himself suffered! The Son of God. Leaving all comforts, leaving all His glory. Leaving His kingdom to come and be denied, laughed at, mocked, spit on, tortured, and murdered. His anxiety in the garden before being arrested was revealed in a new light to me. How he must have been weeping and under great duress when He said, Your will be done… It wasn’t just some flippant thing. He suffered through that decision. Oh, no, I would venture to say that suffering is a blessing – even though there are lots of moments I struggle to see it that way. So, why would our God of blessing rob us of it?

For the joy set before Him, Christ endured the cross (Hebrews 12:2). There is joy in suffering. There is joy in the trial. Maybe it’s because in suffering we realize just how precious the presence of God is. I think in the suffering we begin to realize His presence is enough. That’s what He promises to us. Do not be afraid, for I AM with you. The question is will we allow that to be enough? Will we bring all the heartache, the anger, the pain, the distress, our praise, our tears, our gratitude, our regrets… will we bring it to Him and rest in His presence? Will we embrace the struggle and wait with expectation for God to meet us there and draw us closer to Him? “The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

So, in this journey, I had another surgery in February to remove the tumor we found in December. We thought we got it all and were feeling good with the pathology report from that surgery. So, we were devastated when another area of concern popped up just a few weeks after surgery. And after yet another biopsy, revealed more cancer. My Drs sent me for scans and the scans revealed my cancer is progressing and I am now stage 4 as the cancer is in my lungs as well as more lymph node activity. My oncologist recommended a new immunotherapy combination drug called Opdualag. While I regretted immunotherapy the first time, I had been praying before meeting with my oncologist and I felt if immunotherapy was the direction he wanted to go, that was what we would do. If he suggested a different treatment, we would get more opinions. So, I was relieved when he offered Opdualag. I had my first dose on Tuesday, 5/31/2022. We need to get 4-6 doses in me before we’ll know if its working. I get one dose every 4 weeks. So, roughly ~4-6 months before we know.

Look, no matter how you are suffering, no matter how great your pain, it’s ok to acknowledge it’s too much for you to bear. I know it’s counter cultural, in a lot of cases, it’s even counter church-ural (this is a Sarah word 😉 ) but it’s ok to be weak. It’s ok to not have it all together. It’s ok. But Go!!! Go to the One who can bear it. Go to Jesus over and over and over…. for the rest of your life. Embrace His presence, embrace your weaknesses, and let His strength be what shines through you.

“…I pleaded with the Lord three times that it would leave me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.’ Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and in difficulties, for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:8b-10

Guys, I am weak. I fall. I falter. I mess up. I’m short sighted a lot of times – most times. I want to flight instead of fight. But He never leaves, He picks me up, He never lets me go and He gives me new perspective. Jesus is my strength. He is my rest. His presence is enough. I pray that I keep chasing God first and the healing second. I pray that I don’t waste a minute that He gives me on this earth. I pray that I am bold in my witness and testimony in this journey. I pray my husband and children are strengthened in their faith through this journey. I believe God will use what He hates to bring about good. God’s good, not what we think/define as good. (I heard this in a sermon from Pastor Levi Lusko and it has stuck with me!!)

Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.

Dear God, Speak gently in my silence. When the loud outer noises of my surroundings and the loud inner noises of my fears keep pulling me away from you, help me to trust that you are still there even when I am unable to hear you. Give me ears to listen to your small, soft voice saying: “Come to me, you who are overburdened, and I will give you rest for I am gentle and humble of heart.” Let that loving voice be my guide. Amen.” – Henri Nouwen

Friends, be weak so you can be strengthened.

You are chosen and you are loved my friend. ❤