There is a part of me that is struggling with feeling guilty throughout this whole quarantine situation we find ourselves in. I see and hear how so many people are being affected. Financially, schedule wise, having to work from home while also homeschooling their children. People losing their jobs, people unable to get the food they need from the grocery store. Etc, Etc…. My heart aches for people. This whole situation makes me angry when I really sit and think about it and the negative impacts it is having on our world. But I have to admit… I see a ton of good impacts it is having, too. Esp in my home…

You see, the reason I struggle with feeling guilty is because I have enjoyed every. single. minute my kiddos have been home. I have cherished this time that I have had with them and I feel they have cherished the time they have had together and also with me. There is a bond forming between them that I am so thankful they have. These past several weeks, the time we have spent with each other has been so very precious.

The Monday before schools shut down, March 9th, I found out my doctors were taking me off of my cancer medicine because of the side effects I was having. That day in their office after they gave me the news and after I had asked my questions, Kevin and I left the office with the “hope” that they got all the cancer. They “hope” I got enough medicine in me to reduce my chances of relapse, unfortunately I will have the side effects from the medicine for quite some time before they wear off, and if I do have a relapse (not a new occurrence) the tumors will come back internally… The plan moving forward is just to monitor my body with routine scans.

So I left the doctors office with the very real reality that there may still be a beast inside me and if it decides to rear it’s ugly head again, it’s going after my organs or something else internal that may or may not give me a warning light. Let me tell you — I did not walk away from this meeting feeling chipper, relieved, and like I had turned a page in my cancer journey. No sirree… I walked away feeling deflated, confused, scared, in shock, and just heavy. My shoulders felt so metaphorically, and physically, heavy.

You know how the odds of you getting in a plane crash are very slim (a quick Google search reveals .18 fatal accidents per million flights)? Well, think of this as you now getting in to a plane whose engine is malfunctioning 50% of the time and you just don’t know what you’re going to get. That’s sort of what I feel like. And they can’t even really give me a % of my possibility of relapse because they aren’t sure of how successful/unsuccessful the medicine was. My mind was going bonkers. I was trying to understand and process the data and I just couldn’t. It was somewhat haunting me that week.

Full transparency, I had some emotional breakdowns where I cried bitterly. I cried not knowing if I will be around to see my children get married and have kids of their own. Will I get to be a Grandma? Will I get to hold my precious little grand-babies in my arms? Will I be able to watch my grandchildren for my kiddos so they can go to work if they choose? Will I be able to meet the significant other my children choose to love for the rest of their lives? Will I get to see my boys cry as their bride walks down the aisle? Will I get to have the mother-son dance where I struggle to hold back the tears of letting my boys go, but also tears of such joy and feeling so proud of the men they have become?!? Will I get to cry when I see Jenna in a stunning dress, walking down the aisle? Will I get to cry watching Kevin walking Eliana down the aisle as she holds her daddy’s arm tight? Will I get to see them graduate? How soon is this beast going to rear it’s ugly head? How long do I have? Have I taught my children well? Do they know how much I love them? What will they remember about me?

All these thoughts, and so many more, were suffocating me. I felt like I was drowning.

Then the panic of Covid-19 started happening later in the week. It opened my eyes to how I had been viewing my new status on my cancer journey. While the panic may have some validity, the reality is, I don’t have any of the answers nor do I have any control over the cancer. And if I lived in my panic and let it overtake me, I would suffocate and that is what my children would remember and more importantly, that is what would spill over and affect them, too. They would see their mother crushed under the “what if’s” instead of seeing her face the “what if’s” and acknowledging the fear, but trusting in God more than I give in to my fear. My trust and unwavering doubt that God is in control is what I want my children to remember. Like the Mercy Me song, “Even If” , I want my children to know that God is able to heal me, but even if He won’t, it is well with my soul.

I have cherished every minute of being home with them during this quarantine, because I am healthy enough right now to do so. I may not be in the future. I am taking so many pictures and giving so many extra hugs and kisses because I don’t have the answers to my aforementioned questions. I am cherishing every moment because God allowed me to have cancer. I am loving all this time with them because God allowed me to be taken off my meds. I am putting down my phone more to stare in awe at their precious faces and play games with them because the fear of not being here taunts me. The fear of them seeing me suffer through a relapse motivates me to be more present with them right now while I have the chance to do so.

I pray that I am healed. I pray that I get to see these precious little ones grow up, graduate, choose a spouse, have children. And that I get to have many more years with the love of my life — fighting, making up, being best friends, not liking each other, adding wrinkles to each others faces and gray hairs to each others head, although mine will be covered by hair dye 😉 . I look forward to seeing Kevin holding our grandbabies and cherishing seeing a baby in his arms again. I look forward to traveling with him and seeing places we have always wanted to go together. So please don’t misunderstand me, I pray for healing. But I am also realistic in the fact that I am high risk for a relapse and I don’t want to waste a minute of the precious time God is granting me. And not only do I not want to waste any of the precious time God is granting me with my family, I don’t want to waste any opportunities He gives me to show His love to others while I am able. I fail, often, but I pray that there is at least one person who comes to know the love of Christ because of my cancer journey. Whether it be through my testimony, my husband’s testimony, or my children’s testimony. One person who experiences and falls in love with Jesus will make it all worth it.

Just like I said at the beginning of this journey, there is purpose in this diagnosis. I pray it helps someone else. It has also helped me to focus better on treasuring and cherishing this family God has so graciously placed in my life. May my heart trust Him and not be gripped with fear. May my heart and mind be clear and filled with the Holy Spirit to be ready to share the love of Christ wherever I am. May my children see that our God is bigger than cancer. He is bigger than the tragedies of this world and even when we are afraid and we don’t understand, our trust in Him can be bigger than our fear.

Fear is loud and only gets louder if you feed it. During this difficult time, look at your children’s face. Take the time to stare at them and admire the beautiful little person God made and the little heart He entrusted to you. If you don’t have children, look at your spouse and admire that God has given you someone to love and be with during this quarantine. If you don’t have a spouse, FaceTime your friend and admire the friendship God has blessed you with and have gratitude for the technology to still connect, even when it can’t be in person. If you don’t have a friend to FaceTime, turn on music that reminds you of how much God loves and cherishes you. How He gave His life to have a relationship with you. Can I recommend starting with Tenth Avenue North’s Song – Beloved ?

Let your trust be bigger than your fear. You have a choice — don’t believe the lie that you don’t. You are loved and you are chosen my friend. ❤