My answer: Yes.

Boom, drop the mic, my post is done. 🙂

Ha! While this post could be finished with such a simple answer, you know I like to write… so grab some coffee and a snickers bar. 😉

I have a cardiac MRI coming up next week. I have been having issues with my breathing and my heart rate. My cancer treatments have been postponed as they try and figure out what is going on. Currently, they are trying to rule out heart failure. Every test so far has come back normal, but the cardiac MRI seems to be what my Dr’s really need to see to convince them my heart is OK. I don’t know what this means for my cancer treatments moving forward, but some questions I have are:

• If there is something in the MRI, what does that mean for my cancer, treatments, etc…
• If there isn’t something in the MRI, what does that mean for my cancer, treatments, etc…
• If I am taken off the immunotherapy, how likely is it that the cancer will get out of control?
• If I do have a heart issue from the meds, is it fixable?

I think I am left with two main thoughts… Are we going to have to decide between managing the cancer and possibly hurting my heart and/or other organs, or are we going to have to stop the cancer meds to allow my heart to recover but potentially have to deal with the spread of cancer? Are we correcting one area by sacrificing another? Wouldn’t that essentially give a similar outcome?

So through all of this, because I really don’t see other options at this point, not saying there aren’t any, but from my limited knowledge, I don’t know what other options there could be – and no, I don’t want to Google it. I am faced with the thought of this being unfavorable either way we go. I’m hopeful there are other options, but currently, I am facing, Is God still good in the unfavorable moments?

I often hear or see the phrase GOD IS GOOD! (Or PRAISE THE LORD!) proclaimed when something has worked out favorable in our eyes, what we deem as being good. But is God still good when something is unfavorable in our eyes? How often do we proclaim God is good when the test results aren’t? How often do we proclaim PTL when we are grieving the loss of a loved one? How often do we say GOD IS GOOD! PTL! when our hearts are hurting? For example, how many social media posts have you seen that go like this, “GOD Is GOOD! I lost my job” “GOD Is GOOD, I have cancer” “GOD Is GOOD, my child has disabilities” “GOD Is GOOD, I lost my house”…

Often times – and I am so guilty of this – we more often make statements like this, “I have cancer, but God is still good” “I lost my job, but God is still good” “My child is suffering, but God is still good”. “But God is still good” is at the end of our sentence. It’s like we are trying to convince ourselves (and others) that statement is what we believe. Or maybe we believe it in our head, but our heart is struggling to believe it. Or maybe we just say it out of habit because it’s the “christian thing to say”. Sort of like when saying, “I love you” gets redundant and loses its passion because you’ve lost the head/heart connection. Or you’ve over used the word love and simplified its meaning. You know you have said something like, “I love this snickers bar!” Or you’ve smooched the cheek of your husband and said “love you” as a passing comment. See what I am getting at? I think proclaiming God is Good is a lot like love, real love, not snickers love. It’s a choice, not a feeling. Do feelings go along with the choice, sometimes, yes, they do. But, are there times your feelings will deceive you? Absolutely.

I want GOD IS GOOD/PTL to be my first statement, no matter if “sickness or health” is about to follow. I don’t want God’s goodness to be an after thought for me, or a moment of trying to convince myself and/or of saying the right thing. I want it to be a choice I make, that even when I don’t feel like this is good right now, I choose to believe God is Good from the beginning and refuse to place Him at the end. I want to say that again…

I choose to believe God is Good from the beginning and refuse to place Him at the end.

I’m wrestling with feeling a bit silly and dramatic. But currently, the thing that has been gripping me off and on is; I am looking death in the face. It’s sort of taunting me. And I have so many fears like, have I given my children a good foundation so they won’t lose their faith? Ok, well, really that is my main fear. I want them to choose, believe, and be able to say, GOD IS GOOD, my mommy has passed away. I feel silly thinking this way because I could stay around through my 80’s, who knows? But death has also become more real to me. I think it is something that we don’t talk enough about and we don’t live our lives in the reality of. We are sort of desensitized to it. The beauty of being more aware is I cherish the time I get to stare at those beautiful little faces. I am more vigilant to train and teach my children the things I am learning about God. I am more vigilant to write in their journals the prayers I have over their lives and notes telling them how much I love them. (I bought notebooks for each one of my kids that I write prayers, notes, things I think are cute that they may have done, etc… I plan to give them to the kids at their weddings or something like that.) I want them to be able to grieve and in their grief be comforted by the goodness and love of God. Whatever that grief may be from… The loss of a job, the hurt of a spouse, the hurt of a friend, the loss of their loved one, the loss of a dream, and so on. I want them to be able to say, God is good, I don’t understand, but I trust you. I hope they put Him at the beginning of their sentence, not the end.

Even more, I want to exemplify putting Him at the beginning of my sentence and not at the end. I want to live that out in my own life. Because God is Good. The more I learn about Him, the more I fall in love with Him. The more I learn about Him, the more in awe I am of His love for me, others, and this world. The more I learn about Him, the more I desire to know more. I have questions, doubts, and questions of why. I find every time I take those concerns to Him, He gently answers me. He either reveals something to me or He simply says, I am here, right by your side, be strong and courageous.

My friend, be strong and courageous. You aren’t alone. Our Creator loves us with an incomprehensible love. I promise you, the more you open your heart to Him, learn about His character, let Him speak in to your life, and let Him change you, you will only fall deeper in love with Him. He is so amazing that words fall short to describe Him. You are loved and you are chosen. ❤