Has the quiet ever been so deafening you can’t take it? It’s an oxymoron but you know what I am talking about….

I have been in a pruning season of quiet. (I would urge you to listen to this sermon about seasons of pruning.)

What do I mean by this?

This last year and a half (and counting) has been deafening. I feel like I have been begging God to hear His voice, see His fingerprints, to feel His embrace. And while I haven’t been experiencing a total blackout, God’s quiet in my life during this time has been deafening. This pruning started pre the co-of-the-vid, but co-of-the-vid has certainly amplified this pruning affect…

But, God is so good.

His pruning in this season has revealed in me a deeply rooted lie that needs a lot of work to prune. And He is so gracious and loving that He won’t leave this root in my heart. He is going to remove it.

So, what is it you ask? Thanks for asking.

I have a deep root of mistrust towards God.

Wait, what? Come again? Did you just hear me say what you think you heard me say?

Yep. You heard me, and yep, I actually said it… We’re both shocked. 😮

You know, I am tired of the notion out there – in church life, ahem, judgy, church people, I am speaking to you – that because I am a Christian I can’t be real… I am still a broken human being, people. We say the church is a hospital – do we really believe that? Can we just say it? Hard is hard! I am a broken human being that is being graciously loved and changed by the tender, loving correction and goodness of my Creator God who deeply loves me too much to leave me in my broken mess as I am. So, you know what, I gotta admit my junk to fix it. I have to be willing for God to change me. I have to be humble for God to change me… ok, mini rant over cause I could go all day – you get what I’m saying. 🙂

What do I really believe? Hang in here with me to the end, ok?

Over and over in this pruning season, “believe in your heart” has been a theme. For example, “What you believe determines your actions.” “What you believe determines how you treat people.” “What you believe determines how you respond in circumstances.” “What you believe {insert effect}…” Basically to sum it all up into one phrase it would be, “What you believe determines how you live.” I think we have all heard this phrase at some point in our lives.

In my head, I know the right answers. I can say, God loves me, God is for me, God is good, God is loving, God is kind, God is gracious, God doesn’t make mistakes, so on and so on and there are moments when I believe this with every fiber of my being! You see, I have the right church response… however, what do I wholeheartedly believe? I can easily believe these things are true for you, but some don’t apply to me. I struggle with fully “trusting” or believing that God’s goodness, love, kindness, grace and so much more is for me. All the time. Every year. Every month. Every day. Every minute. Every second. Every moment. Every skrew up. Every mistake. All. The. Time. No. Matter. What.

This past Friday evening at our Bible Study Group, I was very evidently confronted with the belief of my heart. I felt really prodded by the Holy Spirit saying, “Do you believe God loves you?” “Like, really loves you?” “Like, unconditionally loves you?” And I felt very compelled to be raw and honest. My written response, in my notes, in prayer was, “God, if I am honest, no, I don’t. If I did, Your love would be enough. So what do I do now? What does this mean? How do I believe You love me?”

Not believing God loves me is the main root that branches out to all these other smaller branches of lies that taunt and affirm this rooted lie… I am convinced when this root is pruned, all the other lies entangled with it will die.

I think I’ve said before, feeling loved and valued is a deep insecurity of mine and something I struggle with. I have been living life to be loved rather from being loved. There is a huge difference here… This was something that Gibbs-slapped me over the head a couple of times over the past few weeks. Once by Lysa Terkeurst in her devotional called “Embraced” and second by my small group leader when he said something very similar! (In case you are unaware – NCIS.Fandom states, “Headslap or Gibbsslap is the term used to describe NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs slapping the members of his team on the back of the head if they’re getting off topic or if they’re just acting like idiots in general.”)

I don’t know about you, but when I live to be loved, I am a self seeking leech – emotionally draining others, moody, take everything personal, walking on eggshells, everyone around me is walking on eggshells, I’m too analytical of people’s words – quick to assign blame to someone for something they never said, quick to emotionally react, impatient, insensitive to others, depleted, drained, worn, incapable of loving others well, driving like I’m on a racetrack, kinda gal. It’s exhausting trying to be loved. And spoiler – its never enough. It never works. I never feel loved enough in this mode.

The moments I have felt loved and live from being loved, I am generous, kind, patient, compassionate, I notice others, I am quick to listen and slow to speak, tender, humble, seeking the good of others, sensitive towards others, encouraging, slightly more patient, filled, encouraged, grateful, capable of loving others, still driving like I’m on a racetrack, kinda gal — working on one thing at a time here people! Ha!! 😛 . It’s energizing living from being loved. It is enough. God’s unconditional love is enough. I’ve experienced it. I can attest to it! I am a different person when I live from His love. It’s no wonder the enemy wants me to hold on to this root God is trying to prune!

So, how do I live from being loved rather than to be loved? I don’t completely know yet. But I know it starts with seeing and admitting where I am at and taking it to God for Him to prune. Handing it over every day, every moment until its chopped off. It starts with being real and raw with God. I think He is big enough to handle it. I often approach God thinking I have to soften my punches. And while I do need to be respectful and understand He is God and I am not, I also know God invites my raw, bitter, questioning, hurting emotions. In fact, I think He knows the only way for me to be healed is to come to Him and Him alone with them. He doesn’t want me to wear a mask when I come to Him. He doesn’t want me to say, “everything is good!” when the reality is I am agonizingly, drowning in my hurt in my heart. He says, “tell Me everything and let me show you the Truth.”

So, I don’t know where you are at and if this is something you struggle with… but I encourage you to take an honest look at your heart. Where are you living from? To Be loved or From Being loved? Do you believe God loves you? Does how you act reflect that you know you are loved?

If you can answer, “Yes, I know I am loved.” I commend you! And I would urge you to reach out and mentor those who aren’t. Be available to help those struggling with where they are living from. Be a non-judgy ear that can encourage and hold up those who are weak in this part of their faith. You can’t fix them, only God can. So keep taking them to the One who can Heal. Pray with them, cry with them, and keep encouraging them that God is working, to keep pressing in to His work! It’s not us – I can’t and you can’t fix it in someone or even yourself. It truly is only capable from the One who created the heart He is mending.

If you answer, “No, like you I question and doubt it.” I urge you to recognize and admit it. Take it to God and tell Him about it. Ask Him to change it, to prune it, to heal it. I am in this pruning with you. You aren’t alone. Together, we can go from living to be loved, to living from being loved. Because the Truth is, we are so very much loved. Don’t give up. Keep fighting. Keep pressing in. Change can happen. We can believe we are loved — because we are. And because we know how tough this journey is, and how hard and painful it is pruning this root, we are then able to come alongside others who need help in their pruning.

You are loved and chosen my friend. ❤