In my last post, The Journey, I confessed I have an emotional storm within me and that I wasn’t entirely sure why… I was encouraged by family and friends to sit, pray, and write. So I am. And I thought I would take you through my journey of processing my emotions…
This past Sunday, during our time of response at church, I went to my Pastor and he prayed for me. I expressed that I felt depressed and I didn’t know why. The tears were flowing and I just knew I needed God’s embrace. I am going to start with what I am not struggling with in an effort to allow what I am struggling with to start flowing.
I am not struggling with… My trust in God.
I am not struggling with… my health. It is in His hands and I fully trust His plan. It appears, for now, that my body is being healed. To which, I am grateful.
I am not struggling with… God’s goodness. God IS GOOD! There is no doubt in my mind of His goodness.
I am not struggling with… His love for me. I know He loves me, sometimes I doubt His love for me – value issues I am still working through – but He continuously reveals new aspects of His love for me that leave me in awe.
Where I am struggling…
Not doing. I am struggling with being still. I am struggling to seek God in those still moments because stillness makes me uncomfortable. I like to do. I like to be active. I like to be useful. I have a strong desire to serve but I also struggle with feeling I have to prove my worth. So, being severely limited in my activities has played a huge role in my melancholy emotions.
As I said earlier, I am grateful for my prognosis. Please don’t misunderstand what I am about to write as me being ungrateful, that I’m upset with my prognosis, or I am not happy with my life. I love my husband and children, I’m grateful for what God has given me. I want to see my children graduate and see what God’s calling on their life is. I want to see them get married and I want to be right by Kevin’s side as we become grandparents. And so much more! My struggle is something along the lines of what I understand “survivor’s guilt” to be. I don’t know if I am thinking of the term correctly or not but let me explain… I am secure in my eternity. I know, if the cancer were to take my life, it would mean I would be face to face with Jesus. And quite frankly, I am excited for that moment. I have full confidence that the day I see Jesus face to face will be the most indescribable, wonderful, beyond best day of my existence. I think I see others around me who aren’t experiencing the good prognosis and I’m torn up about it. I see people rejecting God because of their suffering instead of choosing to lean in to Him. I see children who may not see tomorrow. The past couple of months, I’ve heard of cancer diagnosis after cancer diagnosis and I ache. Because of my confidence in my eternity, if I could trade places with those who need more time to reconcile with God, I would.
I struggle with feeling as though I have it “easy” with my cancer. I know my situation hasn’t been “easy” but comparatively to those who are going through chemo, radiation, multiple surgeries, the news that their cancer has returned and/or spread, the news that their baby isn’t responding to the treatments, etc… I feel mine is “easy” comparatively. Easy may be a poor choice of words, so forgive me. I want so desperately for the child who hasn’t lived their life yet to have a good prognosis. I want so desperately for the person who heard his cancer has returned and he is angry with God to turn and seek God in his pain. I want so desperately for people to know how much God loves them. I know their suffering is devastating, hard, crushing, but rejecting God isn’t the answer they think it is. Quite frankly, I feel it only increases their suffering. Without hope, suffering is in vain.
You see, knowing God gives hope to our suffering. He gives purpose to our suffering, maybe not in this life, but we’ll definitely know the “why” in eternity. Suffering gives opportunity, perspective, and helps us to appreciate life and the little things. Suffering generates intimacy with our Creator and gives us a glimpse of walking in our Savior’s footsteps – I think of soldiers who have experienced war together, it bonds them. The trauma they face together creates an intimate relationship that nothing could break. There is a song I love by KB titled, Heart Song. The lyrics I’ve quoted below hit my heart every time I listen to this song. I think if we could just understand there is purpose in our pain and if we would believe God when He says He’s going to work good out of our suffering, we’d see His glory and experience relationship with Him in a way that is indescribable. It’s not easy. It’s a constant choice to seek God, but the more we do, the easier it becomes to rely on Him when the suffering hits.
I might not know what the answer is
But I know what the answer isn’t
It can’t be that He doesn’t care or He’s nonexistent
Sufferin’s a problem and why many are rejectin’ God
But just cause you don’t know the answer
Doesn’t mean there isn’t one
What if God’s plan for pain isn’t for you to skip it
We need the nightmare to appreciate not bein’ in it
Deeper the pain, deeper the game upon it’s endin’
Plus God will take our pain so serious He joined us in it
Jesus suffered like none other when He was on the cross
Why do the good die? That only happened once
But the good rise, but not for good guys
He gives new hearts and eternal life to the ones who should die
He gives our pain purpose, this is not in vain
We endure, in joy, for the end joy of seein’ His face
It’ll all make sense then
Years of sufferin’ made up for in an instant
I want people to have the time they need for their hearts to be softened and see the goodness of God. For them to see that God is for us, He loves us, He is with us and He won’t let our suffering be in vain.
I’m struggling because I have big dreams and I want to accomplish them. Sitting on my couch watching YouTube is the exact opposite of accomplishing those dreams! But the truth is, I’m not even 100% sure where God is calling me! Which adds to my struggle and frustration. I want to know now so I can hit the ground running in whatever it is God is calling me to do! But with a bum foot and no direction, I feel lost, frustrated, and useless. I am struggling with being still, patient, and listening for God to speak to me. I am struggling giving Him the dedicated time He is asking me to give Him so He can grow me, mold me, and prune me. I’m avoiding, or dragging my heels, in the necessary, current, preparation time that will equip me for the purpose and calling He has on my life. I am desiring the fast food purpose delivery and it seems like God likes to cook purpose in a crockpot…
Are you catching what I am saying? God has me in preparation season and so far I have failed at preparing. The harvest is coming and I am not ready. And I think my spirit knows it. I had to fall, get depressed a bit, to look for answers. And I think the ultimate answer is, prepare… Prepare! I need to prepare. That is what this season of life is for me. I need to learn how to be still and listen for God’s gentle voice. I need to ask for and be open to where He wants to prune me. I need to work on my spiritual disciplines. I need to weed out the distractions. I need to spend time with my family, my initial and my here and now mission field. I am looking forward to the mission field in my future, but I am missing the mission field I am standing in. I am missing opportunities to be in prayer over the lives of my children. To pray Scripture over them. To be a part in preparing them for their own mission field. This is my season right now and I need to accept and embrace it.
Well, I don’t know about you, but I feel like we have worked through some of this emotional storm and made some discoveries… So now it’s time to pray. Will you pray along with me?
Father God, Thank you. Thank you for being gentle, thank you for being patient. Thank you for people who are praying over me. Thank you for never giving up on me. God, I have been trying to rush through preparation season. I have been choosing to be distracted and have missed strategies on the current mission field You have placed me on. God, You promise that if we confess our sins, You are faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. Forgive me. Forgive me for choosing distractions over the blessings and purpose you have for me in the mission field. Help me to learn to be still. To listen for and to Your voice. Help me to work the soil of my current mission field, my family. Help me to learn how to prepare well in preparation season. Help me to look more like your Son. Give me knowledge to know how to coach my children and the wisdom to put that knowledge in to action. God, I ask for your presence to be made known to those who are suffering. God I ask that you would overwhelm them with Your love. I pray their hearts would be softened to Your embrace and Your calling of their name. I pray God, that if someone who is reading this today doesn’t have a personal relationship with You that today would be the day they hear You calling their name. I pray today would be the day that hope enters in to their suffering. I pray, Lord, that you would give me boldness to speak hope to those I meet throughout my cancer journey. I pray that you would prepare the hearts of the people I meet and prepare my heart to have Your words to speak. Thank you for Your loving embrace today. I really needed it. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
You are loved and you are chosen.
Precious Rubies 