A journey of discovery, diagnosis, surgery, healing, waiting in the questions of the unknowns, and navigating emotions. An emotional journey, a spiritual journey, a physical journey…

Over the past couple of weeks we have found out that there are no tumors anywhere throughout my body, which is great news. The thought is that there are still “rogue” cancer cells within my body because of the cancer cells that spread to my lymph nodes. To treat the rogue cells and to help minimize the chance of a relapse – the cancer returning – the doctors believe a year of immunotherapy would be beneficial. (Essentially, it’s unknown how far throughout my lymphatic system these cancer cells have spread – the only way to know would be more surgery/biopsies. My team of Drs agree with one another that as long as we do immunotherapy, they don’t feel at this time further surgery is necessary.)

Immunotherapy is a treatment designed to utilize your body’s own immune system to attack and destroy whatever cancer cells are within your body. The way I understand it, the specific drug they’ll be giving me, Opdivo, essentially helps my immune system to locate the rogue cells and remove them from my DNA code (this is a very, very simplified explanation). There are some concerning possible side effects, but the doctors feel the benefit far outweigh the risk of side effects. So, starting this past Monday, 10/7/19, I began my year of immunotherapy treatment. The medication is administered through an I.V. drip at my doctors office. To start, I will receive the medication every other week for several doses, then my treatment schedule will shift to being administered once a month. I’ll be getting routine scans and sonograms to watch for any tumors or enlarged lymph nodes over the next five years.

So, I have a good prognosis… why do I feel so melancholy? Why am I not excited? Why am I struggling emotionally? The past few weeks have been an internal battle. I don’t think it has been just the diagnosis of cancer, but rather a culmination of things…

I think not being active has impacted me a ton! I hate exercising, while I am exercising. But I love how I feel afterwards. Even just a brisk walk, regularly, helps to stabilize my emotions.

Guilt.

I feel guilty I am not helping around the house like I feel I should be, esp when I see all the stress my husband is carrying on his shoulders. And that guilt is exaggerated when I know I could push myself, but I don’t. I feel guilty that I sit on the couch looking at my phone, instead of sitting on the floor playing trains with my son. I feel guilty that I have such amazing things spoken over me and it feels so good, but I feel so undeserving of it all. I feel guilty that I have been avoiding God, because I think I am harboring some feelings I haven’t identified and worked through yet. I am afraid of what He may reveal to me. I feel guilty that I have been looking to other things to distract me (social media, tv, shopping, etc) instead of looking to God.

You see there is some sort of emotional storm going on inside me, but I haven’t been able to identify what the storm is yet. And it scares me. I have been in a place of feeling melancholy, disconnected from God, disconnected from my husband, and disconnected from my children. I feel part of that is the physical limitations I have right now, but emotionally I have also partially shut down.

I have the intense desire to have purpose, to spread the awesome news of forgiveness that comes through Jesus. But I struggle because I am limited physically to accomplish that desire. People have reached out and expressed how my words have encouraged and inspired them, but I struggle with the kudos because I feel like a hypocrite. I am choosing distraction over my relationship with God. I have made some very poor choices the past few weeks that echo in my heart and mind and are adding to the emotional storm within me. I’ve had moments of turning to God, studying the Bible, and repenting. But the storm within me is still there and I’m still struggling.

Today I did my devotion which is in Esther. There were two statements and then a question that were profound to me…

The two names I chose for myself to answer Beth Moore’s question were:

Sarah the Christian and Thora the “thunder goddess”.

I chose Thora because I was reading that the name indicated a storm, a violent phenomenon. Strong language, but ultimately, it describes well the emotions I feel within me. There are days where I feel as though I am in the eye of the storm, things are calm, not much emotion at all. And then there are days where the emotions within me are in utter chaos and I cannot decipher any of it.

I think what God is showing me through this devotion is:

1. It’s good there is a struggle. I’m not content with my distance from Him. I feel the ache of the distance in my relationship with Him.
2. I do have things I need to repent of – to seek and then accept His forgiveness and allow Him to work through those failures I’ve made.
3. I need to move. He has given me the eyes to see where I am. And like Esther, I now have a choice. I can decide to do nothing, remain in this storm and ultimately accept failure. Or I can decide to move towards God.

God is with me. He never left me. I’m the one who took my eyes off of Him. But this is my opportunity to grab a hold of Him again and let Him reel me in from the storm. I think of Peter walking on the water… He looked away from Jesus for a moment and Peter began to sink. But Peter made a decision and cried out to the Lord for salvation and Matthew 14:31 says, “Immediately Jesus reached out His hand…” Did you catch that? The Bible says, Immediately. Jesus had to be there with Peter, right next to him, to be able to immediately reach out and grab him.

My husband has been teaching our kids to ride bikes without training wheels. I watched him run alongside our daughter as she pedaled. He let go of her seat, but he was right next to her to catch her every time she lost her confidence and began to fall… I have lost some confidence. I have started to fall. But my Abba Father is right next to me to catch me. He’s encouraging me to get up and try again. He’s encouraging me to not be afraid of the storm, of the failure, but to trust Him. To trust that He’s there. To trust that He won’t let me fall (fall in the sense that He forsakes me/leaves me/abandons me). To trust that when I fall and get the scrapes of consequences due to choices I have made, He is merciful, faithful, and willing to pick me up, kiss my boo boo, and encourage me to get back on the bike and try again. He immediately responds to my cry. He’ll immediately respond to yours, too.

Reach out, grab His hand, and get back up my friend. You are loved and you are chosen.