Are you familiar with The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? If you aren’t, I encourage you to check out the link and read up on this concept. I think it is very beneficial for your relationship with your spouse as well as with your children (there is a children’s version so you can learn the love language of your child/children).
Essentially there are 5 primary love languages:
- Acts of Service
- Gifts
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality time
- Physical Touch
Each person typically has a dominant love language – How they receive/feel loved. It can also give you an idea of how you express love to others – how you speak love.
I have two very close dominant love languages – Quality time #1 and Words of Affirmation a very close #2. My husband’s is Acts of Service. My husband and I took this quiz and read the book a number of years ago and after that, I had the belief that my husband would know how to speak love in a way I would understand now. I thought it was going to be magical. Easy Peasy! Right??!!?? Hmmmm…. well, when the fairy tale I dreamt up in my mind didn’t quite play out in real life, I didn’t get it. WITW (what in the world 😉 don’t worry – I got you)? He knows how I understand love, so why is this so difficult? Why isn’t he the prince charming he should know how to be now? (Know is important, don’t forget this, we’ll get to it soon.)
Kevin and I have been working a lot on our relationship lately. The past year and a half or two it has been a strong focus of ours. There has been growth, set backs, and even some time of remaining stagnant. But I feel like God has recently shown me that my perception of how love languages works – in my marriage at least – isn’t all that accurate.
Misconception #1: I thought my husband should automatically know how to speak love to me and would change his tactics.
Have you ever tried to learn a new language? I have. I tried twice. And. I. Failed. I gave up. Both times. 😦 It was difficult, confusing, time consuming, frustrating, and hard for me to retain. Even though I knew I wanted to speak and understand a different language, two languages actually, it didn’t just magically happen because I wanted it to. Remember how I said the word know would be important? Here’s where it comes in. Just because Kevin now knows the love language I speak, it doesn’t mean he can automatically speak it. Makes sense, right?!? But the reality is, I had the expectation that he would automatically be able to speak my love language and I got hurt, angry, and maybe even a tad bitter when that didn’t happen. Learning my love language is difficult for him, it’s new, unnatural, and takes a lot more intentionality, time, and practice.
Misconception #2: My husband needs to change to make sure he is speaking my love language so I know and feel that he loves me.
While yes, I feel my husband does have a responsibility to learn how I hear/receive love and should try to communicate to me in that language some times, I have a responsibility in this, too. That’s the part I was missing and it’s probably the most important take away of the 5 love languages program, in my opinion. I feel God has been revealing to me that I need to look for, recognize, and appreciate the way my husband naturally communicates his love to me.
Kevin works hard. He wakes up early and gets to work so that he can come home earlier in the afternoon to pick up our son from school, be home for dinner, and complete projects around the house. He renovates the house to make it healthier and look and feel better. He works on my son’s go kart to make sure it is at it’s best for race day. He unclogs toilets, fixes lights, kills spiders (that’s probably the most important one 😉 ) helps me shower the kids, kisses boo-boos, reads bedtime stories, prays at dinner, looks for teaching moments and takes the time to actually teach in those moments. He builds playgrounds, sandboxes, bunkbeds, and built in bookshelves. He hangs pictures, mirrors, snowboards, and other random “art” pieces I make or find. He repairs and paints walls. He installs new light fixtures, towel hangers and toilet paper holders in the bathrooms. He rips up and lays new tile – in a herringbone pattern – in the front entry way. There is SO much more!! You see, Kevin’s love language is Acts of Service. He does all of this to express his love and adoration for his family. And I. Was. MISSING. It!!! I was so focused on how I needed to hear my love language and patting myself on the back/full of pride that I was mastering how to speak his love language, that I was missing all the other ways he was trying to express his love for me and our family. My pride, stubbornness, and expectations blinded me and distracted me from seeing his natural expressions of love.
It’s often too easy for me to look at my husband and think, “this is what you should be doing”… I am often stubborn and too prideful to offer him the grace, mercy and compassion I should be giving. My chest is puffed up on all the ways I change to express my love to him and how well I do it. Wow, that’s not conceited, right 
?!!? God has gently humbled me and shown me that the plank in my eye is just as large, if not bigger, than the splinter in my husband’s eye. I am so grateful for God showing me this part of me that needs His grace, mercy, compassion, wisdom, and guidance. May I learn humility, to give grace often, and to be compassionate. My goal is love, to be a team, to support and build each other up. And for me, it starts with my heart, my pride, and my selfishness.
My husband and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary in March and I posted a pic on social media. Part of my caption was “I challenge myself and commit to you to honor you more, respect you more, and appreciate you more.”
I am looking forward to 100 more decades with my husband. May our marriage bring God glory and help others. Keep fighting for your marriage. The devil wants to destroy it. Don’t let him.
Precious Rubies 