*** If you are struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts – You are not alone. You are loved! Please reach out to someone you know and/or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. If you don’t feel comfortable calling you can send a text to 741741 and a crisis worker will text you back immediately and continue to text with you. YOU MATTER. #youmattertome ***

Depression – a topic that needs to be approached with open mindedness. A topic that is different for each person that experiences this devastating state of mind/illness. A topic that needs more exposure, more help, and more resources. A topic that needs less judgement, less denial/being ignored, and less “just get over it”.

Bear with me, this will be a bit longer of a post than normal. So grab some coffee, a snack, and get comfy. 🙂

Forgotten memories from my childhood have been coming to the surface lately as I have been reading articles, preparing this post, and surfing social media sites. Such as, I remembered being exposed to pornography while I was staying the night at a friend’s house. I remembered inappropriate sexual conversation and contact by a friend of the family. These things as well as my parents separation and divorce, my father’s verbal abuse, the fact that I feel things very, very deeply, and the scenario I explained in My Testimony Journey post – feeling like a fish out of water in my family, feeling judged, feelings of abandonment, etc – was where my wounds of self doubt, insecurity, and, I believe, a form of depression began to take root in my heart.

At a young age, I formed a deep sense of protection over my mother. When things really began coming to a head between my parents, I remember being in my room, listening to music to cope, and thinking how I just wanted to die. I didn’t want to deal with the pain and experience all this brokenness, loneliness, devastation, anger, hurt, lack of value, and other feelings which are so hard to put in to words. But what always popped in to my mind was that I couldn’t leave my mom. She needed me there to protect her. I had to stay and fight for her.

Jumping forward a bit in an attempt to keep this post somewhat of a reasonable length. My first husband and I had moved to my moms a couple of months before my daughter was born to save money, pay off debt, and hopefully buy a house at some point, but we were struggling in our marriage. In early 2005 my life began to crack outwardly. My emotions were in a state of turmoil. I was dealing with post-partum depression (which I was unaware of at the time), my first marriage was falling apart, my body was trying to heal from a traumatic delivery and then an infection that nearly took my life, I had an infant to take care of, and all of this was on top of an already very wounded, damaged person. I wasn’t able to hide my emotional storm any longer…

My husband and I separated and I stayed at my moms and he moved to his moms. My mom saw where I was headed and tried to stop me, but I turned in to a rebellious twenty something year old who thought I knew better. I tried to move out on my own with some roommates (strangers to me) which didn’t work out so I ended up moving in with an ex boyfriend (there is so much more in-between details here, but it’d be a book by the time I wrote them all out). My relationship with my ex boyfriend – who is now at this point in my story my boyfriend again – was beyond dysfunctional and horrific to put it mildly – not to mention I was only separated from my husband – to me, a clear indication that my heart and mind were not in a healthy, moral place.

I ended up in such a dark place I didn’t know up from down, left from right, and I couldn’t see any way out. I listened to music in an attempt to release the emotions storming within me, but unfortunately, the music I listened to influenced me to go even deeper and darker into my raging emotional storm. The music clouded my thoughts and my judgement/decision making even further. I was caught in the throat of darkness and it was trying hard to swallow me.

The throat of darkness was deep, cold, lonely, dark, empty, and suffocating. The darkness tormented me, it taunted me, and it attacked fiercely. I desperately wanted it to end. My thoughts betrayed me, I lost hope, and I attempted suicide. My boyfriend had me taken to the hospital. I don’t quite remember what fully took place, but I remember being able to go back “home” with my boyfriend and I was given some anti-depressant medication. A short time later – days, maybe a week or two – I made a second attempt, this time when I was taken to the hospital, I had to stay. My stay is somewhat of a blur so the details while I was in the hospital aren’t something I remember very well. (If you are wondering about my infant daughter – Thankfully and by the blessing and protection of God, she was safe and with her dad when all of this was taking place.)

While I was in the hospital and throughout this dark time in my life, I journaled… a lot… I have always journaled, but not like I did at this point in my life. I wasn’t able to verbally communicate my feelings very well with the Drs or anyone really, but I was able to let the Drs read what I had written. I remember being told by one of the Drs they couldn’t believe the journal they were reading was written by me. Just speaking to me they never would have known those thoughts and feelings were inside me — Please read those words again… and again… someone you may know/meet may have this darkness storming in side of them and it doesn’t always show itself plainly on the outside. The shame of feeling this way, the desperation to make it go away, to pretend it isn’t real, makes you find ways to hide it.

The Drs made a diagnosis, I was given new meds, and after about a week in the hospital, I was able to leave. But I wasn’t welcome any longer at the place I was calling home. After my hospitalization, the boyfriend once again became the ex, I lost my job, and I needed a place to live.

My dad took me in. I was able to get a job, my daughter’s dad and I started a stable visitation schedule, and I was able to get back on my feet. At least it, somewhat, appeared that way on the outside. But I wasn’t emotionally better. The darkness was still there, but it was numbed by the medication. In fact, almost everything was numbed by the medication. I felt like a zombie. I was making extremely poor choices. I was partying, I had one night stands, I was raped, and eventually I moved out of my dad’s to move in with a guy I was seeing… I was looking for the fix to my darkness, but nothing helped. All the choices I was making only made the darkness worse. I think the numbing meds (now something I see as God’s blessing) kept me from making another suicide attempt.

Eventually, after many more moves and mistakes made (too much to write about honestly and I think you see the trend here) I hit rock bottom. But rock bottom is where things started to take a turn. This is when my heart was finally ready to receive the help God had been offering all along. God saved me from the throat of darkness.

So, what changed? How did the darkness start to turn to light? One, small, decision at a time. The Bible says in Phillipians 4:8 (emphasis added) – “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” and in Colossians 3:2 (emphasis added), “Set you minds on things that are above, not on things that are on the earth.”

You’re saying… Ok, Sarah, that’s great, but I don’t know how to change my thoughts and choices. My thoughts betray me, remember?!? Yes, I do, and I know exactly how hard it is…

Remember how I mentioned music is very influential for me? Satan tried to destroy me through music, BUT God saved me and transformed me through music. That was my first, and what I believe, was my most important choice. At that time, I resolved to only listen to Christian music. Secular music is a place where Satan can and does attack me. Am I saying all secular music is bad, no. But I have learned that I have to constantly remain focused on God, or I begin to falter. So I chose to avoid the fire, because I didn’t want to get burned.

When I would listen to the radio, I ONLY listened to 95.1 Shine FM – a Christian radio station. However, I primarily use Google Music for my tunes. I have different playlists set up – Energy, Mood Changer, Feelin it, Value Changer. These playlists are filled with Christian music where the lyrics and beat speak to my soul. I created each playlist to speak to the mood I am in. If I’m unmotivated, I listen to Energy. If I am in a bad mood, I listen to Mood Changer. When I feel unloved, I listen to Value Changer, When I don’t know what mood I am in I typically combine Energy and Feelin it.

To affect what I was thinking, I had to change what I was hearing. I had to change what I was feeding my mind with.

When I started feeding my mind with thoughts of God, His love for me, His grace for me, His mercy for me, it changed me! It brought hope to a place I didn’t think hope could reach. Now, when I listen to music, if a song starts stirring negative thoughts about myself, my husband, my children, etc, I remove the song from my playlist. Simple as that. If a song is causing you to drift away from truth, get rid of it. You don’t need it.

But, you say, Christian music! Really?!? It’s so “churchy” isn’t it? Well, depends. Sure there are more “churchy” sounding songs – which some people really enjoy… but, I’m with you. I wanted something a bit more modern, too, at least to start… Some of my favorite artists are Tenth Avenue North, Hillsong United, Capital Kings, Lauren Daigle, Micah Tyler, Matthew West, Crowder Band, Tauren Wells/Royal Tailor, TobyMac, and Citizen Way. There are so many different Christian artists now – Rap, R&B, Rock, Countryish, Pop, Techno, etc… – you really can find what you are looking for. With Google music, I find an artist I like and play their “radio”. Google then plays similar music/artists to the artist’s radio I selected. That is how I am constantly introduced to new music/artists. I think you can do something similar in Pandora, Spotify, Apple music, etc.

After shifting my music to mostly Christian it started a snowball effect
(full transparency – my Energy playlist does have a very small percentage of secular music that has been added over time. Dance songs – who doesn’t like the Cha Cha Slide! Kids movie’s soundtracks, etc.. However, if any music, Christian or secular, begins to shift my thinking, even one thought, I get rid of it, ASAP). Ok, so back to the snowball effect…. I would be moved to pray, often, while listening to a song… Sometimes my prayer was gut wrenching. Often my prayer was filled with anger and questions. More often my prayer was filled with ugly crying. And then I wanted to find a church. After finding my church home, I wanted to be a apart of a Sunday school group. And then I wanted to be a part of a women’s Bible study. And then I wanted to begin studying the Bible on my own (which daily Bible reading is still something I am working to discipline myself in). And I want to listen to sermons while I am getting ready/doing my makeup, etc…

But that first choice to listen solely to Christian music completely transformed my life.

I am such a different person now than I was 10 years ago. Some of my past seems surreal, but I am also excited to see the plans God has to use me and what I have been through to help others. Hence, this post. 🙂

Be encouraged my friend! No matter what you are going through, no matter what you have done, God offers you His Son as redemption for your wrong doings. He wants to exchange your guilt, shame, and darkness for Jesus’ forgiveness, healing, and restoration. He has great plans for your life. You only have to accept God’s great gift and let it transform your life. If you are in the darkness – there is hope. His name is Jesus – He is the answer. Look to Him to pull you out of the throat of darkness. Call out His name and He will save you. Send a text, make a call – you don’t have to be in the darkness alone. God works through people to help the healing process of other people. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to reach out. #youmattertome