I came to love Jesus at five years old. That’s when my journey and relationship with Him began.

I told everyone about Jesus. I was actually kicked out of a neighborhood family’s home and told I was no longer welcome because I wouldn’t stop talking about Jesus.

As I came into my teenage years, my love for Jesus became shadowed by my circumstances, my parents and siblings words of criticism, judgement, and the feelings of abandonment, loneliness, and that I really just didn’t belong.

You see, I was different and I felt like I was always a fish out of water in my family. I always felt like I was the odd ball. I was very opinionated and not afraid to share my opinion. And I often lacked gentleness and tact when sharing it.

I wasn’t afraid to be transparent with anyone about anything. I was (and still can be) very stubborn and bull headed. I was very firm in my conclusions and thoughts and I fought for my ideals and what I thought was right… I NEVER thought I was wrong….Seriously, me wrong, you’re joking right??!!?? So you can imagine how that just exaggerated the whole fish out of water thing…

So with and through all of this I began harboring in my heart and mind a very debilitating self doubt. Multiple insecurities began to take hold of my mind and I started to convince myself and believe I wasn’t loved, I wasn’t valued, and I was a mistake. These words played over and over in my mind digging their roots into my heart.

My parents separated when I was about 14 years old. My brother and I went to our mom and told her it was time for her to leave our father. Their divorce was finalized a few years later… But at the time of my parents separation, I became my mom’s best friend. My role shifted from a parent/child relationship to a parent/protector/advocate/burden bearer relationship.

To paint a picture…my mom was the quarterback and I was her offensive line trying to keep my dad from sacking her. I took on myself the burden and betrayals of my mother’s relationship with my father. Her wounds became my wounds which only deepened my already, unrealized, set of wounds.

I struggled with self value, feeling unloved and my wounds we’re so deep that I began searching for love (in all the wrong places). I was beyond desperate to be loved, feel loved, and to be protected and cherished.

I began saying yes to giving myself away, over and over again, in the hopes that I would finally be able to prove to myself that I am loved, cherished, and valued. I wanted to feel worth something.

To give you a picture of how filthy I felt **** do not try this at home, I do not recommend or condone this…****— I would fill my bathtub with water and pour bleach into it and then sit there and soak because I desperately wanted to be cleansed of the filthy choices I was making day in and day out. I covered it with other reasons why I did it, but the truth was I felt gross… 

I often thought to myself, why do I mean nothing? This isn’t how it’s supposed to be! What’s wrong with me? I regretted, dreaded, and hated myself for the one night stands and being promiscuous, but somehow I allowed myself to say yes over and over again even though I was disgusted by it.

Ok, jumping forward a bit because my bad choices were many and I could probably be here all day telling you about them… I married Kevin in 2009. At the very beginning we were a blended family because I had Jenna from my previous marriage. Kevin and I used to listen to secular music and it was one of our favorite things to do together. You know how you turn the music up and sing at the top of your lungs when you’re by yourself in the car and then turn bright red when the guy next to you catches you? Yep, we did that together. We LOVED singing together at the top of our lungs… But the LORD saw fit to start stirring in me the desire to start only listening to Christian music (music is very influential to me). I found the radio station 95.1 Shine FM and began only listening to that. After time, hearing the gospel poured out, listening to the words of the music, and the DJ’s testimonies and challenges, I began feeling called to find a church to attend.

After a few visits to different local churches, God graciously brought me to Severna Park Baptist Church – which became my home church…the very moment I walked through those doors is when my testimony journey also became my “realized” healing journey. God had been working all along, but here is where my fork in the road was evident.

I have been at my church for a bit over 7 years now. The first several years I was in a deep deep struggle and battle with my shame and guilt over my past. Kevin and I had 3 children together… and this part of my journey started bringing me to a place of great desperation and soul aching need, again. Not just because I have 4 kids — because trust me, kids will bring you to desperation at times, but because my family was a mirror. I saw my reflection in their lives and I didn’t see Jesus. I didn’t see the hope that I wanted for my family. My husband wasn’t a believer and God graciously used my children’s hearts to show me the urgency and importance of His salvation in our family. He also showed me I still had gaping open wounds in my own heart that He wants to heal.

God began a change in my heart, albeit a slow change, but most certainly a deep change. He allowed me to form relationships with ladies at my church who were attending a women’s Bible study. These women began speaking into my heart words of life and truth. We were vulnerable together. We cried and laughed together. We shared the depths of our hearts together. They began to challenge my still ever present belief that I was nothing and I had no value. That I am worthless, a bad parent, unfit, a disgrace. They challenged these deep lies I was holding on to. They brought Jesus, who is the truth, to my aching heart.

Through Kevin’s overwhelming support and wisdom before he was even a Christian (YEP! Praise the Lord!! He’s a Jesus follower now, can I get an AMEN!!) and his constant encouragement for me to grow in my faith, through professional counseling, church, devotions, music, Bible Study groups and more, God is working through all of these people to reveal His truth to my heart.

I believe God is showing me the truth that will break me free from the lies I hold on to (hold being the key word here, I’ve got a grip on them). It’s taking a while, but His approach is so tender because I think I would shatter if it wasn’t slow and steady.

Through studying the book of Romans last year, God has told me he has forgiven me and asked me why I still hold on to the sin he has already redeemed me from. He reminded me and gave me understanding that there is no condemnation for me because I am covered by the blood of Jesus. He’s asking me why are you holding yourself in bondage when I have set you free?

I’m still on this healing journey, I’m still working to answer God’s questions and believe the truths He is continuously revealing to me… And until the day of perfection comes, this journey will continue. I’m grateful and thankful to be on it… 

How about you? Have you started your journey walking next to the person who is the way, the truth, and the life? He’s a game changer… the MVP… a real life superhero.

P.s. Marvel lied to you, Captain America isn’t the first Avenger…. Jesus is.